Have you ever lost a loved one? It can be devastating. What would it be like for you if you could be free to remember and experience the love you had for the person without the accompanying pain of the loss itself? Are you living in the experience of loss or the experience of love?
by Belanie Dishong
Love, Loss and Letting Go…
To Love Again!
By Starfisher Premier Coach, Brian Berry-Berlinski
I have always envied people who were close to their mothers, people who described their moms as their best friends. People with moms who attended their school recitals, hugged them when they cried, and celebrated their holidays with them had something I didn’t. I just knew I was missing out.
My mom died when I was 3 years old. I was angry that she had been taken from me. Her death shook my world. I was stuck, unable to grieve and move on, and didn’t even realize it was because of my own “resistance.” More importantly, I believed that her death meant the end of our relationship.
I grew up the only Deaf person in a hearing family, so one of the ways this resistance showed up in my life was the recurring thought, “If only my mother were still alive, she would learn American Sign Language and make sure everyone else signed too, so that I was part of the conversation.” I blamed not feeling more deeply connected to my other family members on her absence.
On my first day of the Beyond Circumstances Workshop, I found myself staring at the course leader in complete disbelief. Even though I had told her my mom had passed, she looked right at me and said I could still have the loving, nurturing relationship with my mother that I’d always wanted.
Inside, I was shouting, “But that’s IMPOSSIBLE… my mother is dead. She is no longer here to talk with me or hug me. How can I have any relationship with her, much less the one that I’ve always wanted?”
By the second day of the workshop, I was beginning to understand. The root of my suffering was not my mother’s death but my resistance to her death. Had I let go of the expectations I had of my relationship with my mother, I could have enjoyed better relationships with the people who were still alive. Instead of holding people at bay, I could have shared more of myself and enjoyed greater emotional intimacy with my loved ones.
What I learned in that workshop was how to let go of the resistance to my mother’s death and the expectation to have the relationship look a certain way. I no longer needed my mother to be alive in order to have the relationship I’d always wanted to have with her. I became free of the suffering and was able to grieve and move on.
The most important thing I discovered was that it is my choice. So I choose everyday to experience love in my relationship with my mother, and I do this without the need for reciprocation.
Let go of resistance… choose love.